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Episode I: The Phantom Menace

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The Fourth Estate, bastion of independence and bulwark against tyranny has been swallowed by corporate interests. Pundits feed upon the growing polarization of the electorate. Their bloated bodies are matched only by the size of their egos.

Bill O'Reilly as Jabba the Hutt

They become a parody unto themselves. At first praised as voices of truth in the wilderness, they would be revealed as panderers of the vilest kind. News bites. Witty barbs. All designed to disguise the inanity and shallowness of the information conveyed. News, opinion and entertainment specifically designed to wrap itself around a 30 second McDonalds commercials.

Steven Colbert and John Stewart as Fode and Beed

The Democrats, the guardians of peace and justice in the Galactic Republic, failed to comprehend the threat until it was too late. Many prominent Elders had become one with the Force or retired to far off worlds.

Adlai Stevenson, Walter Mondale and George McGovern as Obi Wan Kinobi, Yoda and Anakin Skywalker

Some Elders had become distracted by mythological threats of great doom.

Al Gore riding speederbike
“Kids, you don’t need a Death Star to destroy a planet. That’s why I ride my speeder-bike to work. Our use of Imperial starships to make grocery runs will destroy us. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I’m talking about the big Corellian ships.”

Some Elders were just easily distracted.

Bill Clinton as LoneStar with schwartz
“I see your schwartz is as big as mine!!”

With a compliant media and the Democrats weakened, the people were easily persuaded by partisan attacks.

Karl Rove as Boss Nass
“Wesa no like da Democrats. The Democrats tink day so smarty. Day tink day brains so big. Mesa no tink so.”

Unrest in the Galactic Senate grew. The Republic’s ambiguous tariff statutes mandate close reexamination of galactic export quotas. Meanwhile, regulatory agencies are being heavily lobbied by a consortium of merchantile interest groups and their suppliers to streamline loading restrictions for class C cargo vessels.

Simpsons Cosmic Wars robot proposes proceedural amendment
“Mr. Chairman, I propose a procedural amendment to space-bill number 371.”

While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Democrats look to the Subpreme Chancellor to avert crisis.

Joe Lieberman as Senator Palpatine
“My first act, with this new authority, is to create a Grand Army of the Republic, to counter the increasing threat of the Terrorists.”

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

War! The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Sith Lord. Evil is everywhere.

Osama bin Ladin as Count Dooku
Terroist #1: Derka derka. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.
Terrorist #2: Ahhh! Derka derka derka!

An unexpected series of events culminating in shenanigans in the Florida starsystem has resulted in the Army of the Republic being placed in the hands of a man of questionable intellectual capacity.

George Bush as Jar Jar Binks
“Awmericwans no giben up witout a fight. Wesa warriors! Wesa got a gwand army. Dats why yousa no liken us, I tink.”

Although some revisionist historians believe that Greedo fired first, a full investigation conducted by an independent tribunal has determined that the video footage used to defend that assertion was altered after the fact. The tribunal was careful to note however that, as Solo nonchalantly left the cantina, he did take care to flip the bartender a coin.

Han Solo and Saddam Hussein in Mos Eisley Cantina
“Sorry about the mess.”

But Solo would have done well to have stuffed his sorries in a sack. The rebellion was intensifying.

Tony Blair as Chewbacca, Uncle Sam as Han Solo
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this”

Pantsuits Leia, a powerful Democrat, was initially against the Rebellion. After short period of support for the Rebellion before the 2004 election, she again rejected the Rebellion and would have voted in favor of space bill 542 had she been in attendance on the day of the vote. But now, as the critical hour approaches, she has pledged her full support for the Rebellion (a position she intends to stick with at least through the election).

Hillary Clinton as Princess Leia
“This is some rescue. When you came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out?”

Solo’s attempts to reassure the people were less than convincing.

Han Solo Death Star
“Uh, everything under control. Situation Normal. Had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything’s perfectly alright now. We’re fine, we’re all fine, here, now, thank you. How are you?”

Meanwhile, back at the Imperial Palace, the man in charge of bringing freedom to the entire galaxy was engulfed in tense negotiations with a long-time rival…

George Bush as Dark Helmet
Helmet doll: So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to!
Vespa Doll: No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone, yet…I find you strangely attractive!
Helmet doll: Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and oil, and I have both, and you know it!
Vespa doll: No, no, yes, no, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh… ohhhhhh… your helmet is so big…

The Democrats desired to convince Solo to join the rebellion by appealing to his sense of morality. Solo was unconvinced.

Uncle Sam Han Solo
“Look, I ain’t in this for your revolution, and I’m not in it for you, Pantsuit. I expect to be well paid. I’m in it for the oil.”

Episode IV: A New Hope

It is a time of Civil War. Although the Democrats nominally regained control of the Galactic Congress they have been unable to implement any significant legislation. The Republic has only one hope. Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters from the Far Left side of the galaxay has established a new secret base on college campuses across the galaxy.

Barack Obama as Luke Skywalker
“I’m Barack Skywalker. I’m here to rescue you.”

The Democratic Establishment was incredulous at the audacity of the young upstarts hopeful message.

Hillary Clinton as Princess Leia
“You’re who?”

Skywalker tried to convince them by telling of his fantastic journey

Barack Obama as Luke Skywalker
“Well, I left home just a week before
And I’ve never ever been a Jedi before
But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course
He said, “Go to Yoda and he’ll show you the Force”

Solo would not be easily convinced.

Tony Blair as Chewbacca, Uncle Sam as Han Solo
Uncle Solo: I can’t see, pal. What’s going on?
Blair-bacca: arrrrrrghh
Uncle Solo: Barack? Baracks’s crazy! He can’t even take care of himself, much less rescue anybody.
Blair-bacca: arr aarrrrghh
Uncle Solo: A Presidential Candidate? Jeez, I’m out of it for a little while, everyone gets delusions of grandeur!

The Emperor had already foreseen the danger however.

John McCain as Emperor Palpatine
“We have a new enemy. The son of Adlai Skywalker must not become the President.”

The worsening rebellion required a change in strategy. The emperor called for his apprentice.

Dick Cheney as Darth Vader
Darth Cheney: What is thy bidding, my master?
Emperor McCain: Send the entire fleet to Iraq. Soon the Rebellion will be crushed and young Skywalker will be one of us.
Darth Cheney: Yes, my master.

Responsibility for implementing the Emperor’s plan was placed in the hands of one of the Republics most steadfast soldiers.

General Petraeus as Admiral Piett
Admiral Piett-rus: I assure you, Lord Cheney. My men are working as fast as they can.
Darth Cheney: Perhaps the Emperor can find new ways to motivate them.
Admiral Piett-rus: The Emperor’s coming here?
Darth Cheney: That is correct, Admiral. And, he is most displeased with your apparent lack of progress.
Admiral Piett-rus: We shall double our efforts.

Meanwhile, young Barack Skywalker learned that his next family reunion might be a tad awkward.

Darth Vader Dick Cheney
“I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate”.

This startling news would be confirmed by young Skywalker’s mentor. But it would also come with an admonition.

Walter Mondale Barack Obama
“It is unfortunate that you rushed to face him… that incomplete was your training. That… not ready for the burden were you.”

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

It is a dark time for the Rebellion and for young Skywalker. The Surge, while not yet fully operational, was progressing.

Half-completed Death Star

Skywalker’s dealings with Leia only served to bring him down into the muck.

Skywalker trash compactor

Potential allies were content to sit on the sidelines, watching and waiting to see which side would prevail.

John Edwards as Lando Calrisian

Those allies that young Skywalker could count on to never give him up,

Rick Astley Admiral Ackbar
Its a Trap!!

never let him down,

Michael Dukakis Red Leader
“Red Leader standing by”

never run around or desert him, were of little help.

Kim Jong Il Hugo Chavez ewoks
“Yub nub … eee chop yub nub…”

Young Skywalker knew, deep down, that this was a path the he must go down alone. And so, in a final battle, he confronted the Emperor.

Barack Obama as Luke Skywalker
“Yes, we can.”

But the confrontation would not go as planned.

John McCain as Emperor Palpatine
“Come, boy, see for yourself. From here, you will witness the final destruction of the Democrats and the end of your insignificant rebellion. The hope is swelling in you now. Take your Democratic weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your hope.”

But Skywalker’s message of hope was useless against the weapon the Emperor had created.

Death Star surge
“Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational Surge.”

It is unavoidable. It is your destiny.

Adlai Stevenson, Walter Mondale and George McGovern as Obi Wan Kinobi, Yoda and Anakin Skywalker
“Young fool… Only now, at the end, do you understand…”
Bill Clinton I'll be in my bunk
“I’ll be in my bunk.”
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