In light of the epic beat down which the University of Michigan Wolverines football team faces in their game against Ohio State this weekend, the Big Three and the UAW have voiced their support for the Wolverines by jointly proposing the following rule changes to the NCAA.
Touchdown (6 points)
Ohio State: A touchdown is achieved when a player has legal possession of the ball and the ball crosses an imaginary vertical plane above the opposing team’s goal line. Six points are awarded.
Michigan: When a touchdown is achieved, six points are awarded. Three will be put on the scoreboard now. Two points will be given to past Michigan teams. One point will be placed in a point bank which Michigan may draw upon should it be unable to score in future games.
Try for extra point (1 or 2 points)
Ohio State: After a touchdown, Ohio State is awarded a try for an extra point.
Michigan: After a touchdown, Michigan is awarded an extra point. No try is necessary.
Field goal (3 points)
Ohio State: A field goal is scored when the ball is place kicked between the goal posts behind the opponent’s end zone. If a field goal is missed, the ball is returned to the original line of scrimmage.
Michigan: A field goal is scored when the goal posts are moved forward from behind the opponent’s end zone so far as to advance them to the Michigan line of scrimmage. In the event that the goal posts cannot be moved, Michigan will be awarded three points anyway.
Officials
The game is officiated by a crew of seven officials elected by Michigan to six year terms.
Television
The Texas Tech-Oklahoma game creates the possibility that fewer viewers might find the Michigan-Ohio State game appealing. Therefore, broadcasters are prohibited from broadcasting the Texas Tech game. Rights fees for the Michigan-Ohio State shall be increased due to the fact that there will be nothing else on television to watch.
Uniforms
Michigan’s fabled helmets will be changed to a graphic of Calvin peeing on Brutus the Buckeye.
Ineligibility Penalties
In order for Michigan to be competitive with Ohio State, football requires stricter implementation of rules designed to prevent one player from performing the task of another. Therefore, only quarterbacks will be allowed to throw the ball, receivers to receive the ball and running backs to run the ball. Linemen may not leave the line.
Penalties for fouls such as Illegal formation, Illegal touching and Ineligible receiver downfield will be increased to fifteen yards and loss of down.
Delay of game – The play clock starts running immediately when the previous play ends. If Michigan fails to snap the ball before the play clock runs out they may petition the officials for more time.